I had to go grocery shopping today with my mother. I hate this. I prefer to do my shopping when I get off work, which is at one in the morning. However, I have to go shopping with her once every three weeks on Sunday in the middle of the afternoon when there are a lot of people and so-called people – aka kids (breeder mistakes) – there. Normally I love kids, but not when I am grocery shopping. During this completely abysmal chore of life, my hated for humans, especially kids (breeder mistakes), is on its highest level.
Parents, if you can’t control your fucking breeder mistakes, then I, and every other sane customer in there without kids (breeder mistakes), should have the legal right to beat you senseless with frozen products. And yes, this would include multiple face shots with a twenty-pound turkey. Here is a list of things you can do the next time the fruit of your loins (breeder mistakes) get out of hand:
1) Put NyQuil or vodka in that sippy cup or juice box. This should knock them out or at least make them be tolerable enough so I can shop in relative peace without having to hear them scream, whine, yell, or make the most obnoxious noises on the face of the planet, short of one of my exes when he ejaculated, which is the most obnoxious sound in the world.
2) Put them on a friggin’ leash! You have no idea how many kids (breeder mistakes) I almost took out or nearly maimed today with the shopping cart because they were running around, doing gymnastics (you’re not Mary Lou Retton or Keri Strug, you little Susie Ho-In-The-Making! The best you can hope for is not getting molested by the time you’re twelve, so knock it off!), and gliding around on those shoes with the wheels in the bottom. If kept on leashes, then your children (breeder mistakes) will be kept relatively safe from people and myself running them over.
3) Put a shock collar on them. They train dogs this way, so why not kids (breeder mistakes)? When they start to cry, whine, yell, run around, or misbehave in general, just zap them and see how fast they learn to shut the fuck up and obey you at the same time! Amazing! Really, a must for every parent. Unless, of course, your kid (breeder mistake) is a complete freak and loves it, then there’s no real hope them, so get them to an S&M training camp right away.
4) Put duct tape around their mouths, arms (behind their body), and legs and throw them under the cart. If you forget duct tape at home, most grocery stores have some in a supply aisle. This will eliminate any chance of hearing them, having them run around, and grabbing useless items and throwing them into your or my cart. Although they may try to squirm and kick, so put duct tape around them and the cart. Just don’t forget about them when you leave, because, really, if you don’t want your kid (breeder mistake), nobody else will, either.
5) My personal favorite: Leave them at home – in a cage – in the basement. 
Just throw them a couple biscuits or dog chew toys, and they’ll be fine! You can go out in peace and save money and time trying to find a babysitter for your underachieving idiot (breeder mistake). You may want to apply Tip #1 here as well, so they’ll be groggy enough not to scream, thus alerting the neighbors. See, I think of everything for you! It’s a win-win for everyone! Your children (breeder mistakes) are neither seen, nor heard, and everyone can go about their day blissfully unaware that you were horny and couldn’t afford an abortion.
Parents, apply the above tips the next time you go grocery shopping and we can all have a much better shopping experience.
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